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Recently, my wife, 7 year old daughter and I decided that since it was such a beautiful, cool, and slightly breezy evening that we would take a blanket outside, spread it out on the lawn with some refreshments, and enjoy the evening reading books.

I grabbed a book that I had wanted to finish for a while, strapped on my seatbelt as it were, and got ready for some serious, uninterrupted reading.

Except there was one little problem…

My wife and daughter grabbed a book they “said” they were going to read together. And for the next hour and a half that we spent on the lawn, they were both up and down, in and out of the house, giggling, laughing, playing, getting this, getting that, teasing each other, and in general, fooling around. If doubt they read 10 lines of text the whole time.

Now on my end, I’m wanting to read my book and so I found myself starting to feel a little bit aggravated. My focus was on reading and anything that interrupted me or distracted me from my reading was a nuisance and an irritant.

In fact, I went so far as to say to them, “You girls aren’t getting much reading done are you?”

It was their look of puzzlement, that look at me as if I was from outer-space or some foreign place that caused me to remember that which I already knew…

Females are focused on relating. And anything that interrupts them or distracts them from their relating is a nuisance and an irritant.

And therein lies the “rub”. Men are focused on the “doing” while the women are focused on “connecting”.

So how do you improve your relationship with your wife?

Of course, there are many answers to this question, but pertaining to this article, the way to improve your relationship with your wife is to force yourself to set aside whatever it is that you are “doing”.

Totally forget about “doing” anything and instead focus on the “connecting” and “relating” that she’s wanting.

Realize that whatever the “doing” part is supposed to be is really nothing more than a platform upon which she wants to “connect” and “relate”.

But be warned, if you take time “connect” and “relate” to and with her, she might end up “doing” you if you get my drift…

Happily, that’s exactly what happened to me.

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To be loved by someone could be one of the most beautiful things one may experience in life. A person can find his own ways on how he can express love to another person. It is overwhelming to be loved by another person especially when that person makes him very special in his life.

A person can express love in many ways. When a person puts his arms around the shoulder of his loved one, he shows affection for the person. There are also times that lovers look at each other and at that instant. They can feel that they love each other even without saying, “I love you”.

The experience of being cared explains that the person is loved. Knowing that the person is so important to him, and he needs him to survive. Love may be expressed through words and through action. Although many say that action actions speak louder than voice, where a person mostly expresses his love to a person is by letting the person feel the affection that is given to him.

Others may see it as very important ingredient for the existence of life. Many may see and feel loved in small ways. A person who loves a girl may call on the phone many even without something important to say. He just wants to hear the voice of his girl and misses his loved one already. There are acts of love that can show affection through physical contact like when a person hugs him because he wants to feel protected and cared.

Sometimes a short hug may not be enough for other people. They may not want to let go because they feel so great in hugging add to it the eye contact that explains everything. There is that mutual understanding that those two persons love each other and cannot get enough of each other. He knows that he is so special to that person because he is always there for the person no matter what the problem is.

It can even be embarrassing at times when the person cannot help himself but kiss the person that he loves in front of many people. A kiss can be a more sensual display of love and affection. There is intimacy especially when the kiss is initiated in the lips. Most people that are totally in love to someone show their love to the person by the act of kissing.

A person can determine if he is truly loved by his loved one is when there is intimate display of affection and care. There are also those appreciative partners that always find time even when the partner is busy at work to see the one he loves. The show of interest to whatever he says and listens to the advices that his partner says could mean that he is important to him. These are only few ways where a person can show and feel love to a person.

Many people wishes that the love they are experiencing would last forever but there could be times that the love can fade and can get colder. Here are some tips on how to keep the spark alive and make that feeling last a lifetime:

1. There should be an allotted quality time for both lovers to cherish some special moments together. Remember those happy moments where he gave him a special token symbolizing their love to one another.

2. If the love was affected by the busy work and schedule, make time to meet her at least once a week. Make a schedule to date her on an exclusive restaurant. This will put some excitement every time the end of the week is nearing.

3. A person can make a love letter and start all over again the way he has courted the girl to win his heart. Make every moment together like the first meeting. Nothing can be sweeter than the first time a person hugs and kisses his loved one.

4. Promise one another that the love shared will be forever cherished. Think about the things that were very special. Be thoughtful and show the care that once was lost.

Love is the best feeling that a man can ever experienced. Make every second spent with the loved one special. Take the opportunity to love and be loved. It is a gift that should be cherished and last forever.

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Our lives are so busy that work and family responsibilities preclude very much quiet time with our mates. We are so weary when we finally fall into bed that we seldom take the time to really talk to each other or to nurture that specialness that is ours alone.

Look at your schedule and see where some quiet time together can be stolen from the world. If you needed to arrange an important meeting, you would make time. If you had a child in the hospital, you would most certainly make the time to spend hours there.

The time required doesn’t have to be huge. The commitment to make that time does. This is the most important person in your life, not someone to be relegated to a list, somewhere below a business requirement and the PTA.

Snatch an hour here and an hour there just to be alone with your love, nurturing the uniqueness of the two of you. Take the kids to their grandparents or get a babysitter. Turn off your blackberry and your cell phone.

You can use your uninterrupted time to do anything you enjoy. Take a walk, or a drive, and talk about yourselves. Play word games or trivia on the Internet, laughing and communicating with each other as you did when you were dating so long ago. Listen to music that was popular when you met and reminisce about the good old days.

Talk about movies you’ve seen, books you’ve read, sports, politics, or national events. Talk about plans for the future and how you see your lives together in a year, five years, ten. Talk about your problems and what you can do together to resolve them.

Plan when your next time together will be and what you are going to do. And do it.

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Ask anyone in a committed long-term union for the secret of their success. Almost always, one of the top three reasons cited is the ability to laugh together. No matter how big the problems, or how many the obstacles, they will be most effectively approached with a sense of humor and the teamwork that emerges from shared laughter and a mutually positive outlook.

While some fun costs money: an amusement park, a fine meal out, a trip to Vegas, or that hilarious new movie, there are many fun activities that don’t cost a dime. Give your partner the gift or being a slave for a week, including the requisite master or mistress verbiage, pulling your forelock, bowing or curtseying, and backing out of the room. The results can be very funny, especially if carried into public or in front of the kids.

Both of you call in sick to work and play hooky - hang out at the mall like truant high school sophomores. Spend some time coming up with totally outrageous excuses that you know you will never be able to deliver with a straight face. If it’s summer, wash the car, and each other, in the driveway. If it’s winter, have a snowball fight or walk in the rain. Walk along the beach or in the hills or stroll through town window shopping.

Watch television together: not the dreary news but old Seinfeld or Lucy reruns which are just as funny as when they were made. Search out joke sites on the Internet or spend some time at the drugstore just looking at funny greeting cards. Tell stories about things that happened to you before you met and reminisce about the fun times you’ve had since you first became an item.

Take a foreign language class at a local adult school and decide that you will only communicate in that language over dinner, if nothing else it will really polish your charades ability. Take an art class and laugh at your own ineptness with color and perspective. Take a bus or train ride and make up stories about the other passengers, Sing Kareoke and mutually laugh at the probable response your efforts would elicit if you auditioned for “American Idol.” Pretend you’ve just met and try out some stale pick up lines to see each other’s reaction.

Life is so short and there are so many problems that arise and challenges that must be faced. At times, we become overwhelmed by the responsibilities we must bear and the energy required to keep our lives on an even keel.

Deliberately establishing “recess” periods gives us a break from the daily grind. Just as children don’t learn well if they don’t have a chance to go out and play, adults need a recess too. It allows us to return to work re-energized and renewed. The more we practice it, the more frequent it will become. Most importantly, the play time with our partner intensifies our relationship and can keep our affection green and growing through the years ahead.

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Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials.

Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.

The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.

An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating.  An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.
 
People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.
 
Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve  a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.
 
Understanding the other parties’ feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them

Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.

Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect.  We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.
 
Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.

Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party’s needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.

Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.

Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.

When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship.  Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party’s feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.

Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say ‘No man (or woman) is an Island’.

 
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When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating.

Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.

The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own.

What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.

Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by.

Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.

Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued.

How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.

So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!!

It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.

Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves.

One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea.

Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react.

Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.

One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.

How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.

If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.

No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.

Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain.

If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.

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Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

I’ve discovered, in the 35 years that I’ve been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself.

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We’ve all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

CREATE DATE TIMES

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

FUN AND PLAY

We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

SERVICE

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!

What’s the key to a successful relationship? Some might think that’s the million dollar question. Sometimes it’s just the simple things, that we easily forget or think are unimportant that  hold the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Read through the helpful tips below on how to make your relationship go the distance.

1. Without quality time together, your relationship will not survive. Aim to devote at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when the two of you spend time exclusively together.

2. You both want to feel secure within the relationship. A good relationship is built on compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you.

3. Often those little things that first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Learn to love your partner warts and all. Don’t try to change them into something they’re not, after all you fell in love with them just the way they were.

4. Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. For the relationship to work, you need to address your finances and maybe even work out a budget.

5. Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Just remember, the one good thing they say about arguing, is the making up afterwards.

6. Communication is vital to all healthy relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgement. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behaviour. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.

7. Sort out your sex life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don’t just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more sex than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your sex life out of the
bedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.

8. Try to keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell your partner how much you need them, but don’t get to dependent on them and cling to them all the time, as that can make your partner feel trapped. On the flip side of this, don’t allow your partner to think you don’t need them, by going or doing things without them. Try to keep a happy and healthy balance
between the two.

9.Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, and feel the trust can never be regained then give yourself, and him a break and start again, with someone new.

10. Don’t ever think that going to counselling is a sign of a failed relationship. It can turna bad relationship around and can also turn an average relationship into an excellent one. More and more people are turning to counselling today than ever, it shows you are both prepared
to try and make things better, which can’t be a bad thing at all.

The fact remains, that whether you’re dating or married, relationships are hard. It takes 100% commitment from both of you. However, healthy and long-lasting relationships are achievable and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that you sometimes do that can go a long way to making your relationship work.

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